At points in our lives we experience loss, some will be worse then others and in this case… this is my worst.
Right now, I’m going through a loss which some people will think im crazy and some will just get it. I lost the only thing that mattered to me, that during my depression he gave me some light and helped build a bridge for me to cross. My little man, Harvey. Harvey was my baby puppy, i got him around this time last year and already the days without him feel dark.
Ive had a few dogs in my life which i love all very much but Harvey, he was another level of love. Harvey was my little partner in crime, he made everything ok. Tonight i cant stop thinking about him and how much i would love to hold him and kiss his little face. Harvey was a soulmate that was taken too soon.
The day it happened, i felt off. It was my usual Saturday where i would wake up to the sounds of him running around with excitement, eventually id pick him up and put him on the bed where he would stand on my chest and demand chest tickles. he would close his eyes and enjoy the little tickles and i couldnt help but smile, as much as i wanted to sleep in most weekends it was the little man that got me up and going. you see, as a person with depression staying in bed and sleeping in comes pretty easy, getting out of bed and doing something with my day is hard work it takes a lot of convincing but when you have a little man like Harvey, you better get out of bed and make sure he has a beautiful day… mainly because he will bug the shit out of you and bark at you until you play with him.
So i roll out of bed and we move to the couch where i throw his little giraffe in the hallway and he comes running back for me to throw again… eventually hes ready for another chest tickle so for ten minutes its calm.
Our usual saturday always started with a trip to get Acai with a friend, the cafe absolutely adored Harvey, he was basically a highlight of the place. We would sit and eat our acai, Harvey on my lap patiently sitting while i chat. Harvey was a strange little guy, he loved acai it was one of his favourites so here and there id dip my finger in and let him have a little bit. I noticed that day we were really close and i cant really explain it but its like he knew or i knew, im not sure but something felt weird. My other friend messaged me to go down to the beach, i wasnt really that keen on going but he turned up at the cafe and my other friend said she would drop us. We are in the car when i try and get Harveys leash to unclip, its jammed. I figure ill carry him but my friend insists he can fix it (dam i wish i listened to myself) he fixes it and i pull at the leash to make sure its secure… i was kind of the most neurotic puppy mum…we carry on walking to a cafe near the beach so my friend can get a coffee, the leash pulls… all is fine. I quickly remember i have no water for the little man so i asked my friend to hold the leash while i go in and by a bottle of water(Note: I remember his little eyes on me, Harvey hated being apart from me and i remember watching him try and run to me but the leash stops him)…. all is fine. We are standing at a crossing of a main road, im chatting to my friend and then everything goes slowly… my friend yells out my name and exactly at that same moment i feel the leash go light, i look onto the road and theres my little man, my baby, my world hes just walking slowly, whenever the leash went light it was because i was moving which meant little man had to hurry those little legs with me so i think he thought i was with him(I am aching at that thought). I pray that the car is going to miss him, i fucking pray that luck is on my side because how can they take this little bundle of light away from me? the car passes and for a very very brief moment i think it will be ok. Its the back wheel… the back wheel hits my little boy and its instant, my eyes are wide and everything else around me has stopped. Harvey was not even 2kg, so you can imagine how tiny and light he was that practically anything could break him. I drop everything and i run without even taking into consideration the cars coming my way…. thankfully a man ran after me and stopped the cars while i pulled my little boy into my arms. It was instant, i could feel it but i didnt want to believe it… no no no, it cant be happening.. the man hails a cab and me and my friend get in, im holding Harvey, yelling and screaming that he cant be dead, crying hysterically which is not normal for me… i know hes dead i can feel it in the weight of his body but i keep praying that something is going to make him ok and bring him back to me. The cab pulls up to vet and i run out and straight in….
Harvey was dead the moment the car hit him. They brought him into a room with me and i cried, and cried, and cried over his little body, through his fur. even writing this now my heart is aching so badly. All i want is to glide my fingers through his fur and hold him. I failed….I almost feel responsible. I was his protector and i honestly feel like i let him down.
Little man, you are my everything and not a day goes by that i don’t think about you and wish i could hold you against me. Everything is cold and dark without you in my life and im trying really hard to keep it together but the loss i feel is overwhelming. I watch videos of you over and over again, smiling and laughing at all the memories i have of you. The clock is ticking over every memory we share.
Harvey had so much personality i wont ever be able to explain… if i was in dog form i promise you i would have been Harvey. He got me, he knew how to be there when i was sad and he just knew how to be there. He made me realise i was ok to be on my own and just looking at his little face made me smile. Its hard to accept that i will never see him again, ill never be his mum again.
Grief is the price we pay for love and i would do it all over again.