Anxiety

Over the years i learnt how to control my anxiety, mainly by developing a relationship with myself and talking myself through the bad thoughts and the heavy breathing, the best way to look at anxiety is as a person…but its the moments when it comes back that kills me. Tonight i cant breathe. I feel weird. I feel alone.

Two days ago i felt my anxiety come on, unusual it was through my dreams. the last few nights ive had horrific dreams that have now put a strain on my breathing as well as making me a little scared to be in the outside world. Im not sure whether i believe in the meaning of dreams but the last two nights have both been to do with death.

First Dream:
I had a brain tumour with ten days to live.

Second Dream:
There was a shooting and this man was killing particular people, he killed my brother and others that i know.. when it came to me he thought i was someone else so he let me go but with that i was sexually assaulted and then i woke up.

when i looked up the meaning of dreams this is what i got:

According to Sumber, dreams about death often indicate “the symbolic ending of something, whether that’s a phase, a job or a relationship.” He suggests that a dream aboutdeath can also indicate attempts to resolve anxiety or anger directed toward the self.

Death refers to changes in one’s life, or attitudes toward certain persons, or fears of dying. Here are some possibilities of what death, dying or a dead person may represent in a dream. Death is a motif and may be the central motif of the dream. Basic meaning: The old is dying; make way for new beginnings.
To dream that you were raped or almost raped indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you

I suppose if i looked for it, i could find a reason that relates to each of these but i just dont know.

Little Man

At points in our lives we experience loss, some will be worse then others and in this case… this is my worst.

Right now, I’m going through a loss which some people will think im crazy and some will just get it. I lost the only thing that mattered to me, that during my depression he gave me some light and helped build a bridge for me to cross. My little man, Harvey. Harvey was my baby puppy, i got him around this time last year and already the days without him feel dark.

Ive had a few dogs in my life which i love all very much but Harvey, he was another level of love. Harvey was my little partner in crime, he made everything ok. Tonight i cant stop thinking about him and how much i would love to hold him and kiss his little face. Harvey was a soulmate that was taken too soon.

The day it happened, i felt off. It was my usual Saturday where i would wake up to the sounds of him running around with excitement, eventually id pick him up and put him on the bed where he would stand on my chest and demand chest tickles. he would close his eyes and enjoy the little tickles and i couldnt help but smile, as much as i wanted to sleep in most weekends it was the little man that got me up and going. you see, as a person with depression staying in bed and sleeping in comes pretty easy, getting out of bed and doing something with my day is hard work it takes a lot of convincing but when you have a little man like Harvey, you better get out of bed and make sure he has a beautiful day… mainly because he will bug the shit out of you and bark at you until you play with him.
So i roll out of bed and we move to the couch where i throw his little giraffe in the hallway and he comes running back for me to throw again… eventually hes ready for another chest tickle so for ten minutes its calm.
Our usual saturday always started with a trip to get Acai with a friend, the cafe absolutely adored Harvey, he was basically a highlight of the place. We would sit and eat our acai, Harvey on my lap patiently sitting while i chat. Harvey was a strange little guy, he loved acai it was one of his favourites so here and there id dip my finger in and let him have a little bit. I noticed that day we were really close and i cant really explain it but its like he knew or i knew, im not sure but something felt weird. My other friend messaged me to go down to the beach, i wasnt really that keen on going but he turned up at the cafe and my other friend said she would drop us. We are in the car when i try and get Harveys leash to unclip, its jammed. I figure ill carry him but my friend insists he can fix it (dam i wish i listened to myself) he fixes it and i pull at the leash to make sure its secure… i was kind of the most neurotic puppy mum…we carry on walking to a cafe near the beach so my friend can get a coffee, the leash pulls… all is fine. I quickly remember i have no water for the little man so i asked my friend to hold the leash while i go in and by a bottle of water(Note: I remember his little eyes on me, Harvey hated being apart from me and i remember watching him try and run to me but the leash stops him)…. all is fine. We are standing at a crossing of a main road, im chatting to my friend and then everything goes slowly… my friend yells out my name and exactly at that same moment i feel the leash go light, i look onto the road and theres my little man, my baby, my world hes just walking slowly, whenever the leash went light it was because i was moving which meant little man had to hurry those little legs with me so i think he thought i was with him(I am aching at that thought). I pray that the car is going to miss him, i fucking pray that luck is on my side because how can they take this little bundle of light away from me? the car passes and for a very very brief moment i think it will be ok. Its the back wheel… the back wheel hits my little boy and its instant, my eyes are wide and everything else around me has stopped. Harvey was not even 2kg, so you can imagine how tiny and light he was that practically anything could break him. I drop everything and i run without even taking into consideration the cars coming my way…. thankfully a man ran after me and stopped the cars while i pulled my little boy into my arms. It was instant, i could feel it but i didnt want to believe it… no no no, it cant be happening.. the man hails a cab and me and my friend get in, im holding Harvey, yelling and screaming that he cant be dead, crying hysterically which is not normal for me… i know hes dead i can feel it in the weight of his body but i keep praying that something is going to make him ok and bring him back to me. The cab pulls up to vet and i run out and straight in….

Harvey was dead the moment the car hit him. They brought him into a room with me and i cried, and cried, and cried over his little body, through his fur. even writing this now my heart is aching so badly. All i want is to glide my fingers through his fur and hold him. I failed….I almost feel responsible. I was his protector and i honestly feel like i let him down.

Little man, you are my everything and not a day goes by that i don’t think about you and wish i could hold you against me. Everything is cold and dark without you in my life and im trying really hard to keep it together but the loss i feel is overwhelming. I watch videos of you over and over again, smiling and laughing at all the memories i have of you. The clock is ticking over every memory we share.

Harvey had so much personality i wont ever be able to explain… if i was in dog form i promise you i would have been Harvey. He got me, he knew how to be there when i was sad and he just knew how to be there. He made me realise i was ok to be on my own and just looking at his little face made me smile. Its hard to accept that i will never see him again, ill never be his mum again.

Grief is the price we pay for love and i would do it all over again.

17.04.2017

Today is a weird day..

Im ok but at the same time i don’t feel okay. welcome to mental illness 101. I didnt really sleep well last night, i tossed and i turned majority of the night.
I received a message from a boy who occasionally we will meet up for sex…my buddy i never really knew him that well, it was very unemotional between us… there wasnt any depth until a few nights ago when i saw him, im going through a loss at the moment and for the first time in a while i didnt have to tell anyone i was struggling, he just knew. so we chatted about it and it was nice…but anyway… i received the message last night and he was basically saying that i deserve better and im wasting my time with him as hes still in love with his ex.

1. True.

2. Im not kidding this is the third guy to reject me this month…. WHAT THE FUCK? soon enough im either going to become a lesbian or just asexual.

It was a nice message considering most guys are cunts but of course im wondering what the hell is going on? what is wrong with me? am i unaware of something that seems to turn people off me? hes guaranteed it has nothing to do with me and thinks im quite the catch but its funny because no one seems to be trying to catch me? If you’ve heard the song Liability by Lorde i swear that song is a description of my life. Ive posted the lyrics below if anyone is curious.

So basically today has been one of those days where i just dont know where my life is heading and i feel down. I decided to clean my entire apartment as i find cleaning can be a form of therapy for me… i pop my headphones in and off i go into my own world. I do really hate these days where i do nothing and then i half feel shit about it… i should go for a walk but as youll read later on i struggle with motivation to do things, thats what depression does.. it paralyses you and its not as simple as just getting up and doing it… something comes over you and you cant do anything… its frustrating because i want to be outgoing and to just get the fuck up and do something.

Lorde – Liability:
Baby really hurt me
Crying in the taxi
He don’t wanna know me
Says he made the big mistake of dancing in my storm
Says it was poison
So I guess I’ll go home
Into the arms of the girl that I love
The only love I haven’t screwed up
She’s so hard to please
But she’s a forest fire
I do my best to meet her demands
Play at romance, we slow dance
In the living room, but all that a stranger would see
Is one girl swaying alone
Stroking her cheek
They say, “You’re a little much for me
You’re a liability
You’re a little much for me”
So they pull back, make other plans
I understand, I’m a liability
Get you wild, make you leave
I’m a little much for
E-a-na-na-na, everyone
The truth is I am a toy that people enjoy
‘Til all of the tricks don’t work anymore
And then they are bored of me
I know that it’s exciting
Running through the night, but
Every perfect summer’s
Eating me alive until you’re gone
Better on my own
They say, “You’re a little much for me
You’re a liability
You’re a little much for me”
So they pull back, make other plans
I understand, I’m a liability
Get you wild, make you leave
I’m a little much for
E-a-na-na-na, everyone
They’re gonna watch me
Disappear into the sun
You’re all gonna watch me
Disappear into the sun

The Reason for this blog

So i guess the reason for this blog is just to get my thoughts out there, both good and bad. Ive been meaning to do it for a while but for some reason i stop myself a lot from doing things that i actually want to do, I’m not really sure why. Im still trying to figure everything that is life.

Im not sure if anyone is going to read this but thats ok. I’m not writing so that everyone knows what Im going through, Im writing because i need to get it out… release the bad energy Im holding inside of me. Im not here to write beautifully or to even make sense… Im here to jot down anything and everything that goes on in this crazy mind of mine.

The name of the blog is to explore how different people and experiences took my heart… it might be in a good way but it might be in a bad way. a lot has happened to me but also nothing has happened to me.

I suffer from a history of depression and anxiety like a lot of people. i take the little things to heart and i feel deeply. Ive had this in my life for 6 years now and while depression is the beast Ive learnt to make the beast beautiful. Depression is a blessing and a curse in its own demented way and while its brought a lot of darkness, its also brought a lot of light and made me the person i am today. Basically without it… i wouldn’t be me….weird?

Depression is a mystery. Half the people who have it you would have no idea… i am part of that group. Im very open about my depression but if you looked at me, not many would guess it. I put myself together well, a lot of people who know me would tell you im very independent and always have a smile on my face… the thing is, over time i learnt how to hide behind my smile.

Im trying my best to be the best version of myself, everyday i try to be a better person and trust me its not easy when the world keeps giving you reasons to say fuck you.

To depression, anxiety and the people that tear me down and think i cant do it… fuck you right back mate.